Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
