Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
