I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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