So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.