I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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