I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
