she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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