Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
