and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Randomize
