Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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