I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize