Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
