Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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