the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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