remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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