I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
