If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
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