i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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