Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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