At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Randomize
