Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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