i just snorted my name. best moment ever
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
