youre lurking in front of me
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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