Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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