at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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