OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
