be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
