And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
