we're chasing vodka with high fives
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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