if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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