my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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