A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I got chris browned last night
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
