You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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