the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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