24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
This is the high leading the old right now
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
