Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
