I'm eating all of the evidence.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
