mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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