You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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