I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
