yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
