Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
