In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
