my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
