We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
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By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
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The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
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