Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
