Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
