Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
