chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
