I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
