I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
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she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
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Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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