im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
