I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I just want nice things and good sex
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
